The Remote Patrolled 2012 Movie Awards
It’s MTV Movie Awards time once again, the once yearly infomercial that’s all about summer movie stars plugging their latest releases and trying to create mock on-stage outrage to appeal to the MTV crowd.
For me there’s always been something unbearably smug about MTV awards show – it’s like the cool kids from high school getting together to show off and sneer at the other students who haven’t been invited to the party. And if you’re sitting there in your pajamas, laptop out and Twitter up, wishing you were in a tux and strolling down the red carpet with the other stars, it’s hard not to feel a little resentment yourself. And the signs for this year don’t look too promising so far either – with the bizarre choice of Aziz Ansari as host (he’s certainly up and coming but for me doesn’t have the stature to be a host yet) and Tom Cruise’s borderline anti-Semitic reprise of his Tropic Thunder character Les Grossman. But heck this is an awards show that features Best Fight, Best Kiss and Best Scared-As-S**t Performance… so all you can do is go along for the ride!
So in honor of the MTV Awards I thought it was time to announce our own Remote Patrolled Movie Awards. We’re a TV website but I LOVE the movies – even if they frequently disappoint me… but I still get great pleasure out of finding a hidden gem or a truly great big budget action movie.
All the films we’re discussing hail from the last 12 months, and as you all know I’m pretty opinionated – so if you don’t like what you read – please start sending over those comments… I love to hear what you all think…
Winner – The Hurt Locker.
Am I the only person in the world who found ‘The Hurt Locker’ one of the dullest, dreariest and most horribly over-rated movies of the year? There is no real plot – it’s just ‘here’s a bomb that needs defusing’. Great ‘here’s another bomb that needs defusing’. Okay – ‘oh no here’s yet another bomb that needs defusing’. For two freaking hours. An episode of 24 (RIP) has ten times the tension, week in week out.
Plus the characters were the standard gruff and grumpy macho stereotypes – I honestly didn’t care who lived or died. Meanwhile the far superior war movie ‘Brothers’ was completely overlooked by critics and audiences. Seek it out people…
Runners Up – Precious, The Blind Side, Zombieland, Paranormal Activity
MOST IN NEED OF CAREER REHAB:
Winner – Kevin Smith
When I was 20 and Clerks was released I thought it was the coolest movie in the world. Let me stress that again. I was 20. Obviously my movie tastes have refined since then – but sadly Kevin Smith’s directing and writing standards haven’t. He’s still stuck in a college dorm mentality of smutty jokes and swear words (ooh how shocking!) Clerks still holds up – and Chasing Amy is undoubtedly great (though I haven’t seen it in years now)… but since then – Mallrats, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Jersey Girl, Clerks 2, Zack and Miri Make A Porno and now this year’s Cop Out. It’s been a depressing slide into hackdom for Kevin Smith, no longer the sharp tongued talent he used to be – but instead the fat guy at the party making obnoxious tit jokes after a beer too many. I still want to believe – but how many chances does one guy get?
Runners Up – Megan Fox, Bruce Willis, Brendan Fraser, Harrison Ford
GUILTY B MOVIE PLEASURE
Winner – Orphan
I’m a sucker for a great little B movie – those often overlooked gems that cost little to produce but are often ten times more exciting that the boated big budget fiascos released by studios. It’s why I’m more excited for Piranha 3D than I am for Toy Story 3. I know it’s just wrong – but killer fish versus a slightly played out franchise… I know which gets me more excited…
My favorite B movie of the last year – Orphan – a movie I fully expected to be awful with a capital A. The poster campaign was obvious, the trailers were so-so, and the plot just sounded like yet another ‘evil child’ movie. But Orphan was smartly made, well acted, actually scary in places and that twist ending was pretty amazing. Well worth seeking out on a rainy Saturday afternoon…
Runners Up: Law Abiding Citizen, The Stepfather
THE ‘LOSE THE ATTITUDE SWEETIE’ AWARD
Winner Katherine Heigl
There’s a great line in cult British sitcom ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ that myself and my best friend Sam often quote to one another. It’s when fashion obsessed Edina (Jennifer Saunders) encounters a snobby sales clerk at her favorite fashion store who looks down on her as unworthy and unstylish. Edina’s response? ‘Lose the attitude sweetie – you work in a shop!’
Now amend that phrase slightly and you’ve got the perfect rebuttal to Katherine Heigl – queen of the snarky attitude. ‘Lose the attitude sweetie – your movies suck!’
When Heigl first burst onto the movie scene with ‘Knocked Up’ I was a big fan. She was outspoken, smart and controversial. Plus I loved the way she demolished homophobic Isaiah Washington on the Grey’s set (while creator Shonda Rhimes shamefully stood by). But since then Katherine’s personality has gone from great to simply grating. Which would almost be acceptable if she had the movies to back up the backchat. But 27 Dresses, The Ugly Truth, Killers – I mean these are 3 of the worst movies of the last couple of years… sitcom style one liners, cringe worthy sequences and an almost anti-feminist mindset. Come on Katherine – I know you can do better… sweetie…
Runner Up: Megan Fox, Kristen Stewart
THE ‘YOU COULDN’T PAY ME ENOUGH’ AWARD
Winner: The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard
There are just some movies that even if I’m on a 24-hour plane flight with a busted ipod, no books or magazines and chronic insomnia I absolutely won’t watch. And top of that list for the last 12 months – ‘The Goods’ – Jeremy Piven’s latest exercise in on screen arrogance.
Back in the Ellen days I used to think Piven was both a) likeable and b) hot – but after scoring such huge success with Ari Gold in ‘Entourage’ it’s obvious that Jeremy has become a completely one-note actor both on screen and off. ‘The Goods’ – just stank of smugness – and was really the last kind of movie role Piven should have chosen.
But maybe I’m just biased – having come to the conclusion (from personal experience) that agents really are some of the scummiest, least trustworthy and unlikeable people in the world. They really do live up to the stereotype – and more!
Runners Up: Imagine That, Did You Hear About The Morgans, The Tooth Fairy
BEST MOVIE NO ONE SAW
Winner: The Invention of Lying
Quick mention for this little Ricky Gervais’ gem that was 10 times funnier than bloated successes like The Proposal (which had less laughs in its whole duration that 5 minutes of a show like Modern Family).
It’s a tragedy that no-one went to see one of the sharpest comedies of the year as Gervais explored the nature of faith and dissected American society in a way that only an outsider can. Sure Lying looked like it had been shot for $5 (it was one of the ugliest looking films of the year with a horrible 80’s movie sheen) but get beyond the grubbiness and you’ll find a real delight well worth checking out. Add to your Netflix list now…
Runners Up: Whip It, The Lovely Bones
THE WORST OF THE WORST:
Winner – Drag Me To Hell
There are some movies that are just so bad you can’t believe anyone even read the scripts in the first place. Honestly – these movies are so awful I can barely choose between them for sheer suckiness.
There’s the ‘Fame’ remake with its unwieldy cast of indistinguishable students and plotlines that wouldn’t even pass a Glee table read. ‘Transformers 2’ – incoherent, noisy, lazy, misogynistic and just a horrible movie in every way. ‘Public Enemies’ – crime may not pay, but does it have to be so painful (as in painfully boring) and ‘A Perfect Getaway’ – a long, dreary slog to a twist ending that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.
But I have to give the worst film of the year award to a movie that garnered a shocking 92% on Rotten Tomatoes – Drag Me To Hell.
I was SO looking forward to this movie. I love horror films, and thought director Sam Raimi’s three Spiderman movies stacked up pretty well. Sure it had been years since I’d seen the likes of Evil Dead and Darkman – but I though Raimi had been able to temper his most cartoonish moviemaking instincts. But oh no… not all all.
Drag Me To Hell was the most excruciating movie going experience of the year. I dragged my brother and partner to this piece of s*** telling them it was going to be great… and spent the whole of the movie just speechless at how awful it was in every way. All of the above movies may be dull, dreary and badly made – but for sheer badness and embarrassment nothing beats this Hell ride… you’ve been warned…
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